Would you rather?

‘I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me’

This is the first regret of the dying from Bronnie Ware’s amazing book: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you are living the life true to yourself, or are you living the one others expect of you?

In the book, Bronnie tells of a conversation she has with a woman called Grace who really wrestled with this regret when she knew she was going to die, she said to Bronnie, “Promise this dying woman that you will always be true to yourself, that you will be brave enough to live the way you want , regardless of what other people say.”

Grace speaks an incredible truth here that resonates so deeply and what she is talking about it not living in the fear of others, but being brave enough to take control.

This regret sat so heavily on Grace as she faced death, as time ran out.

In turn it made Bronnie continue to reflect on her own life journey.  One of the many profound conclusions that Bronnie draws here is: “The longing to avoid pain is stronger than the yearning for pleasure.  So often it is only when the pain becomes too much that we finally find the courage to make the changes”

Isn’t that a funny part of human nature, that we often have to be in such depths of pain, before we can find the courage to make the changes in our lives.

We seem to be willing to tolerate a lot of pain, often it is that dull, ongoing, emptiness that never comes to a place deep enough to motivate us to change, so we just don’t change.  

We have all heard the stories of people, often in the spotlight who have “hit rock bottom” and turned their lives around.  Often some of the most inspirational people are those people who carry tragic stories of loss, abuse, addiction and deep, deep pain, where they have truly hit the bottom and this has enabled them to find the courage to change.

We admire these people, and rightly so.  They bring us hope and warm feelings that possibility exists even in the darkest night.

But what about those of us who never hit the proverbial bottom? 

Those of us, who just chip along with that dull, ongoing emptiness, that pain that is a bit like we can tolerate most of the time because we are used to it?  

Maybe it’s always been there to some extent, sometimes it gets a bit more intense, other times it eases off, but it’s always kind of there, sitting underneath the surface.

It can look like 

• doing a job everyday that we are bored with/dislike

• not wanting to get up on a weekday morning

• living for the weekend or the next holiday

• punctuating our day with food or treats in an attempt to feel ‘better’

• that glass of wine every night, because it is the one thing we look forward to

• feeling irritated with the people close to us but not really sure why

• overwhelm

• constant comparison to other people’s lives

• jealousy

• feeling undervalued

• arguing with our partners or loved ones over nothing important 

But none of this is rock bottom, it is just a bit shit, but hey that’s life!

Well, it is our lives if we choose to just keep it that way.

If we keep doing what we are doing, we keep getting what we got.

So how can we find that courage to change if the pain never reaches it’s lowest point?

We can choose

We can decide to do the work

We can choose something better than this

We may not know the exact details of the journey we need to make but we can make that first step in the right direction.

We can seek help and support, we can go deep, and come back to ourselves, start remembering what it is to be “true to ourselves” 

You see when we have been living a life based in fear of what other people’s expectations are it can be hard to really KNOW what our own expectations are, especially when we live in a world where we are continually told who we should be, what is important and what we should value.  

Often people think, “I want to change things, but I genuinely DON”T KNOW WHERE TO START!”

And in a world of life- hacks and quick fixes the answer to this is not always what we want to hear - it’s going to take time and it’s not always going to be easy, you have to face yourself.

But would you rather 

• feel confident in who you are and the choices you make?

• overcome the fear of others expectations?

• have more confidence in your decisions?

• feel excited about the work you are doing in the world?

• find it easier to make decisions?

• have more contentment and peace?

The choice is ALWAYS yours, and the power is in your hands.

Would you rather live a life of regrets, or a full life where you were true to yourself?

Just before she passed Grace whispered to Bronnie: “Live true to your own heart. darling.  Don’t ever worry what others think. Promise me.”

Are you willing to make that promise?

(If you wish to read the book that inspired this post it is The Top Five Regrets of the Dying (2012) by Bronnie Ware, published by Hay House)